July 4, 2017

There are so many things running through my head as I type this post.

Why going through labour a third time isn’t a charm.

I’ve gone back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Should I even share how I feel about going through labour a third time? Or am I being a baby?

I envy all the mama’s who can watch themselves (on video) go through labour over and over again. Kudos to them for not cringing at the fact that a baby is coming out of their vagina.

Me on the other hand, I just want to fall asleep and wake up with the new baby in my arms. With no reminder of how excruciating giving birth vaginally is.

Let me preface the situation for you.

The first time I went through labour I was sixteen years old. Yes, you read that right, sixteen. I had no idea what to expect and was quite naive to the whole thing. I was adamant that I wasn’t going to ask for an epidural or for any medication. Though successful, I was definitely in for a rude awakening.

The second time I gave birth, I was twenty three.

It had been seven and half years since going through labour the first time. I was mentally and psychically over it (or so I thought).

Of course, when I started going through active labour the second time around, I wanted to run for the hills. The words “let’s go home” come to mind.

Long story short, I ended up being extremely traumatized about how quickly my body laboured.

Now, two and half years after giving birth to Abel. I am scared shitless. You’re probably thinking “Heydy, it’s your third time, your baby is just going to slide out.”

Well, it’s those kind of comments that have gotten me to this point.

I don’t want the baby to “slide out”. Because the intensity that comes with a quick labour isn’t so fun.

I’ve jinxed myself.

In fact, I have arguments with my conscious. I tell her that it’s all in her head. That she’ll be “just fine”. But some days, I think that she won’t be so lucky.

I’m losing sleep over it.

Staying up way past my bedtime because each day draws closer to my due date. Is that horrible?

Thinking about all the “what ifs”.

I’ve talked to my OBGYN and expressed my concerns. I have broken down in tears over it.

Though she has walked me through a lot of potential situations and outcomes. I haven’t fully made a decision if I want to go through a vaginal labour again.

Would scheduling a c-section be so bad? Will I be less of a women if I did? How do I keep myself from thinking these negative thoughts? How do I keep myself calm?

These are the questions that run through my mind as I lay in bed at night, forcing myself to stop thinking for the day.
I haven’t prayed for a long time and now I’m regretting it. I know that I’m strong warrior. I know I can do this, but…. do I have too?

Photography by: Julie Christine Photography